I’m sat here writing this at past 4 AM, having been up since 2. Bunny and Chris are asleep. Baby is occasionally booting me to keep me company but I just cannot sleep.
I’ve worked so so hard for this pregnancy to be something positive and beautiful. We made the decision very early on that we would not be sharing the news of our pregnancy with anyone; family, or through here, until later on in the pregnancy, for my own mental health. I needed that time to process and adjust, just our family of five. I fully stand by that decision as something that was beneficial and gave me time to bond with baby before being open.
This pregnancy could well be our last. I’ve waivered throughout this pregnancy. When I was vomiting my guts up whilst consoling a toddler with a broken leg I thought ‘no way, never again’. I am blessed with the three children I have, in my heart, arms and tummy. I’d always wanted a big family, and when I had a c section with Bear it scared me that our say in that was gone. I do still long for a big noisy chaotic house bursting with kids, animals and friends. Actually, for most of the weeks of the pregnancy, from about 17/18 onwards I was certain I would want to do this just once more.
The last few weeks have really sucked it out of me though. I adore being pregnant. I’ve never felt more body confident than I do with a bump. I love seeing my babies grow and thrive, despite that edge of anxiety after Bear’s growth dropped off and always thinking it will happen with her siblings. I love feeling kicks, seeing my body change. It’s incredible, apart from raising my kids and meeting them, nothing I can do can compare to the priveldge and magic of growing them.
That’s largely how I feel. Every day, utterly in love. That’s never not there. But I’m equally exhausted. I’m so tired of being impatient with my toddler, and I feel so guilty about the massive change that’s about to hit her that she has no idea about. She’s so secure, confident and beautiful in personality, I feel guilty for wanting another child and throwing that all on its head. We spend most days just us, Bunny and I. We do pop out to see friends, but I don’t drive. It’s getting increasingly more painful walking and she’s just bored and frustrated sometimes.
I’m terrified for the upcoming surgery. I don’t want to be away from Bunny. I’ve been holding it together relatively okay and not really thinking about it, afterall, I’ve done it twice. I can do this, right? Ultimately though I’m facing major surgery, again, when all I really wish is that I could have a nice, positive, natural birth, no getting cut open. I asked on a gentle parenting group I usually find quite helpful how I could help the transition of Bunny having a new little sibling, and I was asked several times why I couldn’t just attempt a home birth. I wish.
So I’m in limbo. Ever since about 33 weeks, when we had a growth scan that made me realise just how imminent baby is, I’ve become a mess of anxiety and impatience. Every single time I realise baby isn’t kicking my brain goes to pot entirely and I assume they’re gone, it’s too late, my mind goes blanks and I can’t remember when I last felt them kick. Often, Chris can see baby moving but I’m so anxious I can’t feel it. When I think about a third c section I just feel down and like a failure. I’ve had a lot of messed around appointments where people don’t know what’s going on and clearly haven’t read my notes. I got lost in the system and have only just heard from the CONI scheme. Whilst some of my care is better than last time, especially the maternity assessment unit who have rapidly improved, largely I feel forgotten and overlooked. Beyond help. Just let her get on with it, the baby appears healthy.
I truly don’t feel like anybody who I’ve come into contact with clinically really understands the true gravity of how I’ve been feeling. I’m isolating myself and pushing away from those around me, including my toddler to an extent. I feel as though I’m treated more like any other third time mum because it’s not the pregnancy immediately after my loss and I already have a rainbow. From where I at currently I feel like that unsupported feeling could become more pronounced in future pregnancies, because as I’m sick of hearing, time is supposed to be a healer isn’t it?
So currently I just don’t feel capable of doing this again. I feel sad that I’m a messy combination of rushing this pregnancy away until my baby is here, and soaking up every last minute in case I don’t get to do this again. I’m trying so very hard to focus on right now, but I feel like the care I received could have better helped me to do that.
Ultimately I’ve reached an impasse, a bloody impatient impasse. I wish my baby would be here now, but I would never wish baby to be earlier than term, and so I’ll keep coping and striving to enjoy these days. I will never stop communicating, gobbing off, and telling our story, because this isn’t good enough and change needs to happen. If I can reshape the pregnancy after loss journey for any parents, by talking, by sharing, then long may I continue, because anyone in my shoes in the future deserves better.
Most of all though I’m excited. I am. I will fight my own head every second to let happiness win. I would never ever want Bunny or Cub to read this in the future and feel guilty, or feel like I have any regrets. You two are my little heroes, who have come along and make our hearts and souls soar with joy when the darkness of grief is winning. You two and your big sister are my absolute world and I’d take any of the pain and crap of the last few years a thousand times over to have our little family, it’s crazy and uncoventional but perfect.
I think after this little one arrives I need a hell of a refractory period. I want to recovery physically and find my feet again mentally. Have adventures with my babies as make memories; get messy, see lots of cute animals, laugh and smile. Then we’ll go from there. Baby steps, full of love, just like Bear has guided me along since the very beginning of this whirlwind.
Little Bear & Us 