A week today our eldest baby turns two. It definitely feels weird. It’s the start of her not being a little baby and that’s something I’d be feeling whether she was physically here with us or not. But that feeling comes with many others. Her birthday and this whole months brings with it memories of a time in our lives that is so absolutely tantalising. That innocence that we can’t return to. It’s difficult thinking back to the month beforehand and being happily pregnant with normal, non pregnancy-after-loss worries. It’s beautiful thinking of our time together and it will always feel so much longer than five days. But again, with that comes anger that I can’t go back and change what happened, that I can’t ever know how life would be if that morning didn’t pan out the way it did; that gutting feeling that I’ll never see both of my babies together in the same room.
I don’t think I can really effectively paint a picture of the grieving headspace I’m in in written word; I’d probably do a better job actually painting. The funny thing about this month is that I’ve been wracking my brains as to what to do, but I’m so mentally swamped I have no motivation some days, when Bunny is in bed I just want to curl up under the duvet and watch crap on Netflix. I won’t do that though. I love the feeling when we’re doing things for her, sharing her gorgeous approach to life and making others smile. That’s when I have that fierce mama pride bursting out of me, for our little family of four.
So what are our plans?
We’re definitely gonna have cake, we’ve got her a few little presents and I’m gonna draw, because that’s one of the beautiful ways that I communicate with our little girl. Bunny and I are gonna get creative. We’ve recently rebranded this place and made the blog somewhere that really reflects us, and Bear. I really want to reach out more into the online loss community. If Bear has taught me anything it’s to chase what’s really important, and I thrive on discussion, meeting new people and sharing about our babies; so we’re starting here.
I want to encourage our family and friends to live like Bear would, and does. From the 25th, when our little girl was born, to the 29th, the day she died, we’ll be doing random acts of kindness in her memory. I would absolutely love as many people as possible to get involved. I’ve made a lot of resources, posters, and little tags to print off that an act of kindness is from L. I’ll be sharing everything we’re up to here and on Facebook and Instagram, and I encourage you all to do the same with the hashtag #LittleBearGives. All of this week I’ll be sharing ideas and our preparation.
Acts of kindness don’t have to be expensive, at all. Hold the door open for someone, smile more, write a letter to someone special, make a card, bake for someone. I especially encourage little ones to get involved. Bunny & I will be making paper flowers to hand out, making cakes, and some surprises for fellow loss mamas. We want to make a beautiful week. Ready to help us?
Though it will never feel like enough, I hope my little girl is smiling at us. We love you cheeky girl and we’ll make the world a better place in your name.